I assume most people use their blog as a networking tool and as a way to talk about their favorite things (i.e. fashion, art, cooking, photography, etc.) and I have to admit that I do most of the time, but to me, this post is extremely personal so think about that before or if you decide to read ... I am at the point where I feel like I need to write everything down that I am going through right now so I can relieve some of the anger and hurt that has built up inside me. (I will go ahead and apologize up front for what I may say, but this is the only way I know how to put my thoughts together and hopefully get some closure).
To put it best, my heart is completely broken. This past weekend I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. Sure, we have been having a few problems the past month, but what relationships don't... I had actually been praying about it a lot because I thought it was something we could work through together and everything would turn out alright... I guess that's where I was wrong. I kept questioning myself as to whether or not to end things and walk away, but I kept having thoughts of shoulda, coulda, woulda? I just kept telling myself that he was worth it, our relationship would get better, and we were just hitting a bump in the road. I think my worst fear was that I would end it and have regrets and then always doubt the decision I made... to me it was like I was waiting for a real sign from God on what to do and this past Friday night, he answered my prayers loud and clear.
The short story - I found out he had been lying to me for months. Basically living a completely different life than the one I thought we shared together and he wasn't being honest with me. Not one to throw her friends under the bus, put it this way.... a person from my past made their way back into my life and really came through for me. I didn't expect it to happen by any means, but they shed some light on the situation and confirmed the worst thing that could have ever happened.
I did the mature thing and said my peace and I'm not going to spill out the details, but I truly believe I said exactly what I needed to say and told him just how much he hurt me... talk about feeling completely and overwhelmingly betrayed. I don't think I've ever felt that hurt deep down inside like I do right now, but I know time heals all wounds. I guess what hurts the most is that I have so many unanswered questions and so many thoughts of what I could have done to be a better girlfriend, but at the same time, I invested 100% of my full heart into him and he took advantage of that. We all make mistakes in life, but it's what you do afterwards that determines the real person you are on the inside. Some things can be fixed, but this is beyond repair and there's no going back to what I thought would be my ideal life.
So here I go again, I feel like I am starting over a second time on this crazy adventure called life. It's funny when you think about how you have your whole life planned out, and then you hit a brickwall running 100 MPH and everything changes. But that's what makes life worth living I guess... one of my favorite quotes says "no one ever said life was easy... they just promised it was worth it" and I firmly stand by that. I've definitely had my share of setbacks and trials to work through, but I think I have come out of this whole experience with a better understanding of what I want and what I deserve. It's almost as though I am at peace with the decision I made and as devastated as I am about how it all unravelled, I can 't help but be thankful that I found out now so that the lies didn't continue any longer.
I'm a person that lives without regrets- sure, we all make mistakes and have to face the consequences of our actions, but I think the life experiences you go through make you a stronger person, and I will never say I have even one regret about anything I've done in my 25 years. I've had 2 serious boyfriends that I was with during the past 5 years, so now I think it's time for ME. I am at a point in my life where I feel like I have come to a fork in the road and I don't know which path to take, but I know I have options and I don't have to worry about anyone else's feelings, and I don't have to hold back my dreams in life to help fulfill someone else's. I need to find out who I am as an individual again and get back to the place where I am happy on my own... then that's when I'll find someone again. And I'm going to start this new chapter, this new life surrounded by my friends and family, living in a new apartment downtown, and living each and everyday like it's my last because we're most certainly never guaranteed a tomorrow. This is the life I am starting over.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will guide your path" (Proverbs 3:5-6)
"Life doesn't give you people that you want, rather it gives you people you need... to help you, to hurt you, to love you, and to make you into the person you were meant to be"
"While she's yours, want her, appreciate her, and be kind to her... because second chances don't come often enough, and forever is a long time to miss her"